8 Things About Godzilla

Pacific Rim is one of the best movies I have ever seen. A comment which will no doubt spark internet-rage over how the plot or the acting wasn’t great or any number of things. But that wasn’t the point of the film. The point of the film was this:

ROCKET PUNCH!!!

ROCKET PUNCH!!!

You see Pacific Rim understood very clearly what it was: it was a film about giant mechs having fisticuffs with giant Kaiju. Everything around that is just filler to build up to the MOMENT when two very big things go toe-to-toe. It’s what I wanted from the film and it’s what I got. And regardless of whether you liked the film or not you cannot deny that it is thanks to Pacific Rim that poeple got interested in the Kaiju genre again. Which is awesome because that generated the impetus to do Godzilla again. Only this time it was going to be better than the 1998 American version. How could it not? All it had do was do was what Pacific Rim did but with Godzilla. How hard can it be to fuck that up? And then I saw the film…

1. It isn’t about Godzilla

You’d think the titular character of the film would be front and centre of the whole sche-bang. Unfortunately Godzilla gets a grand total of about two scenes and one of those is a monumental cock block. Not cock tease, full on greasy cock block. It takes a good long time for Godzilla to make his appearance in the film and I’m not saying that’s bad per se. In the original, Godzilla didn’t really get any screen time until right at the end. But the key difference between the original and this film was that up until that point where Godzilla does show up everything about the film was about how they’re going to deal with Godzilla. For the first 45 minutes of a film called GODZILLA this guy gets more screen time…

It's RODAN!!

It’s RODAN!!

Only it is not Rodan. This Kaiju is called M.U.T.O which isn’t even a name – it’s a designation for Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism. Which, as one of the characters points out, isn’t even accurate because it flies. There’s no great picture available as yet from the internet but the closest image I can find is this:

cloverfieldThe only difference between the Cloverfield monster and M.U.T.O is that the latter can fly. And the comparison pretty much sums up what this film is. Godzilla is not a follow-on from Pacific Rim, it’s a follow-on from Cloverfield. Like Cloverfield the whole military trying to kill a giant fucking monster is just background noise for which a bunch of people to work out their personal issues and potentially learn that in a crisis the worst expletive they can think of is “Oh my God!“. When Godzilla does finally show up in this film and he’s about to fight M.U.T.O the camera cuts away to the this guy’s kid:

KickassBecause apparently the film wants us to care more about Kickass and his family rather than watching two monsters go at it. The film even mocks you for wanting that by having snippets of the fight shown on the news as the kid watches it. At every moment you expect the awesomeness of Kaiju violence to occur the film cuts away to pluck at our heartstrings because little Timmy and his mommy might be in danger. Or how upset they are that Kickass might be in danger.

Oh and when I say go at it – I mean fight. That’s an important qualification. You see the main threat in this film is the fact that M.U.T.O male and M.U.T.O female decide that San Francsico is a great location for a first date. And because it’s their first time out in a while they get a little too excited and now everyone needs to know if Obama Care covers Kaiju child care. That’s right, they somehow managed to work in a Kaiju romance plot into the film. The two M.U.T.O kissing is a longer scene than the M.U.T.O destroying Vegas which once again is portrayed to you through the medium of the news. Meanwhile Godzilla is the divine wrath of the Republican party come to show that M.U.T.O love is ungodly!

 

2. The Kaiju don’t make sense

It’s a sad state of affairs when the origin and presence of Godzilla makes more sense in the 1998 film than it does in this one. Ok, calm down internet. Let me explain before you rage jizz over your keyboards. In the 1998 film Godzilla is the result of nuclear testing in French Polynesia that mutated an iguana into this:

This if the first Godzilla picture in this article. That's sad...

It was going to make me very sad that this was the first picture of Godzilla in this article – but technically this is G.I.N.O so we’re good.

It arrives in New York in order to lay some eggs. G.I.N.O was the Martin Luther King of Kaiju rights and without whom those M.U.T.O would never have had the chance to raise their offspring in that nice San Francisco subburb with decent schools. The dumbest thing about G.I.N.O’s origin? There are no iguanas in French Polynesia. Seriously, the sort of person who can’t accept that origin story for G.I.N.O is quite happy to accept how this happened:

hulk ripAnd the difference is…?

In this new film it is explained that the Kaiju are ancient creatures from before the time of the dinosaurs when the earth was more radiation heavy. These monsters all fed off that radiation until it started to run out so they made for the core of the earth where’s there more radiation to feed off. Ok, I can buy that for now. But what the film makers didn’t quite realise is that then means that all those monsters fed by either photosynthesis or osmosis. And that leads to a lot of dumb questions in this movie.

The first M.U.T.O hareactors been seemingly using this method to feed off a nuclear reactor in Japan for the past fifteen years. But when someone asks why they can’t shut the reactor down or move the giant cocoon the thing’s hibernating in the science lady claims it could cause a meltdown. Er… how? Unless the M.U.T.O is physically latched on to the reactor why can’t they switch it off? Look at the image (left) and tell me what part of that is linked to the reactor and if it is how is it not already spilling radiation everywhere? It’s out in the goddamn open! They make a point of saying there is NO radiation.

When the M.U.T.O breaks out (we’ll get back to that) it then decides that osmosis isn’t all that efficient any more and takes to swallowing nuclear warheads and submarine reactors whole. They are also unnaturally good at hunting the stuff down unless they’ve been hibernating right next to it. The female M.U.T.O was hibernating in America’s nuclear wastebin and when she needs some radioactive follow-on milk for her offspring she decides to go elsewhere because apparently the largest stockpile of nukes in the world is anything but appetising. Instead she prefers for the Navy-cum-Domino’s to deliver a tasty missile to her new pad in San Francisco. Now you could say its because she sucked all the radiation out while she was in the cocoon. But how exactly? The whole point of those bunkers is that they don’t leak radiation. If they did they’d be pretty pointless. So there are rooms and rooms of tasty radioactiveness just waiting for her to snack on that she decides to ignore.

Then there’s the M.U.T.O’s EMP ability. In what way is the ability to kill electronic equipment useful in a pre-pre-historic era? You may notice that at no point does the ability get used on Godzilla. But the utter pointlessness of that evolutionary tactic is only partially mired by the fact the the film can’t decide how it works. Sometimes its a fart which acts like a bomb and others it’s a continuous field affecting everything. It never really settles on one or the other so when the military are busy doing important stuff you’re never really paying attention because you’re trying to work out whether their iphones should still be working or not.

 

3. The military is seriously dumb

Continuing the theme that almost nothing about this film actually makes sense let’s analyse the navy’s brilliant battleplan for dealing with all the Kaiju. They know Kaiju feed off nuclear energy so their plan is to denote one nuke to lure them to a single spot and then detonate a second to kill them all at once. And where do they intend to set of the bait that makes Hiroshima look like a thumb tak (or whatever the guy said about megajules)? Why off the coast of San Francisco, of course.  Because what isn’t clever about setting off a radiation heavy device near a dense population zone? The fact that the nukes they used on Godzilla in the 1950’s clearly didn’t kill him shows that this is clearly the plan to go with.

MonarchSpeaking of which. In the wake of Godzilla’s ultimately boring first appearance where he seems to have accidentally destroyed a sub, taken in the view for a while and then got nuked they set up an organisation called Monarch. Monarch’s whole purpose is to study and understand Kaiju. They’re the ones who know Kaiju feed on radiation and they cover up the Japanese nuclear reactor. So in the 60 odd years they’ve had to prepare for a possible incurssion, what’s their master plan? Let Godzilla deal with it. 60 years and your only plan is to hope that Godzilla might show up and help? There is literally no reason for Watanabe to believe that Godzilla is only there to hunt M.U.T.O and that he won’t then go on a rampage of his own. In fact the extent of Monarch’s (an international organisation set up by several governments) contribution to proceedings is to build a giant net over the first M.U.T.O. A crazy rambling guy figures out more than they do! When the admiral asks for plans to kill these things, for which “nuke ’em” is apparently the only thing the navy could come up with, why wasn’t Monarch standing there with a shit-ton of files of possible scenerios and response strategies? That was their sole reason for existing!

So while Monarch twiddles its thumbs and explains to various finance committees why it spent all that money on steel cable the Navy get on with their plan to nuke the nuke-eating monsters. Step 1 is to transport the nukes by train. Um, why? It is in no way surprising when that ends in inevitable disaster. Of the two nukes one gets eaten by a M.U.T.O and we’re supposed to care that Kickass did not get hit by the train falling off the bridge which my American friend pointed out doesn’t exist in that part of America. Then they recover the second nuke by helicopter to transport it the rest of the way. So why not use a helicopter in the first place? And more importantly why are they continuing with the plan!? Their entire strategy relied on luring the monsters with one nuke and killing them with a second. Only now they’ve got one and they decide to arm it anyway – in the San Fransico bay! So they arm their bomb in the middle of a population centre for a plan they know can’t actually work. I do believe the admiral’s Medal of Honour will be in the post as we speak.

Meanwhile the Golden Gate Bridge is used as an evacuation route and fire platform all at once. This was the only way to get Kickass’ son into something resembling danger because dammit we must care about the kids! People are in danger because Godzilla is in the way. Well, actually people are in danger because they navy parked their boats in front of Godzilla. Godzilla even had the decency to stop in front of the ships and it was only when he stood up and accidently sank a couple that the military overreacts and starts shooting and thus endangering all those civilians on the bridge. Ripping off the military ineptitude from the 1998 film more damage gets done to the Golden Gate Bridge by missiles than by Godzilla who doesn’t even touch the fucking thing until he gets knocked over by all the rockets. That’s right, Godzilla destroyed a bridge by accident. AN ACCIDENT! Even the Cloverfield monster managed to kill the statue of liberty on purpose. The only way you could have made Godzilla more flacid and pointless in that scenario is if he had tripped of his own accord.

And don’t say it was to protect the city because a scene later Watanabe’s faith wins out and the navy decides that its “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy covers Kaiju and he gets promoted all the way up to captain. Oh, and of course the nuke has been armed and then stolen by the M.U.T.O who’s decided to use it as a breast milk substitute for the Oboma Care funded M.U.T.O creche in the heart of the city. Which means Kickass has to go back into the city to switch it off…

 

4. The music sucks.

As individual pieces there is absoluately nothing wrong with the score for Godzilla. If I were to listen to the soundtrack right now I’d probably quite enjoy it. But music in film is supposed to set the tone and in this film it is horrible. A lot of the time its not really noticeable but there are two very bad instances.

The first is the fucking awesome sky dive scene from the first teaser trailer. That trailer is the reason why I hate this movie. It’s the Michael Bay effect. Check the teaser trailer for Transformers 2 and tell me that that does not look like an epic movie. Unfortunately the movie that trailer implies and the movie we got are two very different things. The same with Godzilla. You’ll also notice that the Godzilla trailer has a scene which mostly sets its tone and is totally absent from the film. What you expect from that trailer is a gritty near post-apocolyptic type scenario where the military is clearly trying to do something that it knows is hair-brained because it’s got no other options. So a film set after dim-wit tuesday when the nukes turn out to be a horrendously stupid idea. That could genuinely be the opening scene of the film. Instead the scene comes toward the end and aside from the voice over is almost identical. However, the previous hour and a half has completely ruined the tone. It feels like you’re getting that tone from Walter White freaking his shit out over the nuclear reactor disaster. But then he dies denying you one third of the reason you were in your seat in the first place and the film decides that you need to care about a boring family instead. From then on the film is much lighter than the bleak opening and that skydive scene.

And its the music that causes the jar for the skydive. I swear if they had used different music I would not have noticed the transition quite so obviously. It’s a moment that reminds you all too clearly of the film that you wanted to see and have spent the past hour and a half not seeing. All the tension has gone out of it by that point and I really don’t care that Kickass is about to do a HALO jump even though as an EOD expert he wouldn’t have a clue how to do one. And that’s where the cut dialogue comes in again. In the original trailer an untrained guy doing a HALO jump isn’t that much of a stretch becasue the military comes off as clearly desparate. But once that scene is given context by the film there is literally no reason for Kickass to be on that mission. Sure, he primed the bomb that’s going to destroy his wife (irony) but it’s not a special bomb and so far the military has had the tactical equivalent of a bloody nose. There’s also the fact that Sherlock pointed out that no bomb comes without an off switch. They could just as easily produce an EOD guy trained to do a HALO jump without problem. There is none of the desparation involved that the music is supposed to convey.

The second instant is when you finally get to see Godzilla take on a M.U.T.O for all of about thirty seconds. During the fight the M.U.T.O starts stabbing into Godzilla’s back and is bringing him down. Each strike comes with a timed crescendo in the music that is supposed to make us feel those hits emotionally as well as physically. Only I don’t care. By that point Godzilla’s only had about a minute of screen time and a non-sensical latterday priest’s rant of an explanation that’s nowhere near enough to develop the emotional attachment those crescendo’s are supposed to feed off.

"Why don't you love me!?"

“Why don’t you love me!?”

If Godzilla died in this film I just wouldn’t care. And that is just plain wrong. Godzilla’s death should make me intolerably sad or vaguely impressed. I’ll be honest even if Godzilla was the baddy, I’d still root for him. Instead when I hear those crescendos all I can think to myself is “Am I supposed to care at this point?”. They just remind me that I have not had enough time with the titular character of the film. No time enough to love or hate him.

 

5. It focused on the wrong the human

Cloverfield monster < Lizzy Caplan < Godzilla

To be fair she is more interesting than the Cloverfield monster.

I’m going to make another Cloverfield comparison because that’s the film Godzilla is clrearly trying to emulate. For no good reason. Cloverfield was quite clearly a human interest story. It’s main problem was that its marketing campagin was so clever and so focused on the monster that the Michael Bay effect took hold and we thought we were getting ninety minutes of a monster trouncing New York. It left a lot of mystery about the monster which the film quite brazenly didn’t even raise as a question. Go back and watch and see how little time is given to discussing the monster in comparison to the dumb guy’s crush on Lizzy Caplan. Even what little origin is given in the final scene makes it clear that the monster is no more than background in a romance story that takes centre stage.

And fine, if you want to try and make a Godzilla film a human interest story then go ahead. Be a monumental fucktard, I hear America’s a free country. However, and this is where Cloverfield did get it right, if you’re going for the human interest story you don’t go with the military who are trained to deal with shit when it hits the fan, even if that shit just came out of a Kaiju’s anus. You go with the people who shouldn’t be in that situation. Human interest stories are a lot more compelling when it’s a person thrown out of their comfort zone in a way they couldn’t conceive, of being forced into a crisis that demands a kind of decision making process they haven’t been trained for. Yes Cloverfield has it’s faults, I’m not denying that. But how much worse would it have been if instead of a bunch of party goers we got some military dude more interested in finding his girlfriend in the city than doing his job? How pissed as a viewer would you be? Being given a character who should be front and centre of the action throwing himself at the monster instead going off to find his girlfriend. We don’t expect civilians to do that, at no point in Cloverfield do we wonder why the character’s aren’t trying to seek out the monster. We might want them to but their characters at least make sense.

If Godzilla wanted to work as a human interest story then you don’t focus on G.I. Kickass, you focus on her:

Let's assume she's the hot one...?

The other Olsen sister

In the film she does pathetically little other than cry. That scene above? She runs into a shelter away from the Godzilla who isn’t even chasing her. Again the advert lied. When the non-existent blast doors protecting the non-existent subway closed in the trailer Godzilla is full on roaring at Olsen. In the film he gets distracted by the M.U.T.O and isn’t even bothered with her. The next time we see her is when she reunites with her family at the end. In between that time when the Kaiju do fight there is nothing to show her being in danger. There’s even a heroic scene of men digging through rubble to find survivors and the one they pull out isn’t even her. All the attention is on Kickass. At least give her a scene where the skyscraper that fell on Godzilla fell on her too.

So if you have to go with the human interest plot go with the nurse. Olsen finding herself trapped in a city under attack by giant Kaiju is much more interesting. Especially if instead of having her kid stupidly sent over the Golden Gate Bridge you have him trapped alone out there too. Throughout the film the kid is never really in any danger so put him there and have his mum be the one to rescue him. Take Aliens, Ripley is a complete badass in that film because she is NOT a marine but she still goes into the queen’s nest to get Newt back. So have Olsen do that.

But even that is second best to having the entire film about a crazy guy chasing down the Kaiju that killed his wife. Namely this guy:

walter white

 

 6. It has basically the same plot as the 1998 one

So if we must follow Olsen I’m basically asking for a film that rips off Aliens. And there’s nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong in ripping off other films. It’s very hard not to these days. Originality is as elusive as my sex life. But ripping off other films comes down to a question of what you’re ripping off and how. And Godzilla really doesn’t know how or what to rip. I’ve already mentioned that the M.U.T.O is basically the Cloverfield monster but the worst of Godzilla comes when it rips off the 1998 Godzilla film.

I hate to admit it but a part of me wants to say 1998 Godzilla was better than this film. It certainly hasn’t aged well and the older I get the less I like it. But at the time I saw it I was 11 and was young and naive and able to appreciate G.I.N.O as it stomped about the place. Sure at 26 I cringe in any number of ways because I now appreciate the original Godzilla films a whole lot more. And the Japanese films are far superior especially when you get to see this. And one of those things that didn’t age well was the fact that the majority of the 1998 plot revolves around G.I.N.O using Madison Square Park for a birthing pool. The worst thing about the Godzilla series, including the Japanese films, is when they decide to include Kaiju children. I have a hard enough time caring about human children. In fact the only sort of child I are about looks like this:

puppySo I care even less about Kaiju babies. Yet Kaiju babies are presented as the greatest danger in both films. Apparently just dealing with a Kaiju trashing cities isn’t enough of a plot. We need there to be monster babies to be slain.

And that’s what happens in both films with the exact same results. The Kaiju mother sees her dead babies and notices a tiny human nearby and puts two and two together, somehow working out how semtex works in the process. That’s Sherlock levels of deduction going on there. And why exactly do we need there to be such a tenuous relation between the human characters and the Kaiju at all? Why does the Kaiju have to have a vendetta against an ant? One of the best Kaiju/human scenes is when Kickass and Godzilla see each other through the fog of war. It’s a surprisingly poignant moment in an otherwise crap film. And it has nothing to do with KAIJU BABIES.

But there are a whole bunch of other silly rips. Like the fact that a disgraced scientist has to sneak into a quarantine zone in order to prove himself right – Ferris Bueller and Walter White. Speaking of which did anyone notice how in both films these two are the experts despite being the least qualified people imaginable? Ferris studies mutated worms and Walter is a nuclear technician. So in the first film they couldn’t find anyone studying radiation induced mutations on anything other than worms? And in the second the most qualified man turns out to be a crazy obsessive with literally no qualifications in the field of monsters. And again, what was Monarch doing all that time?

"I was told that if I met God on my travels then this sword would cut him. Do you think it would work on the king of monsters?"

“I was told that if I met God on my travels then this sword would cut him. Do you think it would work on the king of monsters?”

Then there’s the iconic bridge destruction: Brooklyn Bridge and Golden Gate Bridge. Special Forces teams who are sent in to save the day and make a hash of it. The French at least had the excuse of being low on numbers and not really expecting that many eggs because, again, the expert was no expert. Lizards ain’t much like worms. But tell me what was the strategic advantage in the Americans all bunching together in a convenient biting radius? If they had spread out they might have survived a little longer. And don’t tell me they weren’t special forces because I refer you to the above HALO jump comment.

 

7. Hollywood still doesn’t get nukes

One of the largest complaints about Dark Knight Rises is the ending which all begins to unravel when a nuclear bomb goes off in the Gotham bay. This leaves a great big gaping question over what happens with all the radiation that floods Gotham as a result. Although if we’re going with the 1998 logic of Kaiju creation that could result in an awesome Batman VS. Godzilla cross-over which would invariably be more entertaining than the Batman V. Superman train wreck that will no doubt incite 8 comments of rage from my keyboard. Only it shouldn’t have because the original script had a two second line that dealt with that problem with ease. Seriously, Nolan, two seconds? Would that really have thrown out the entire movie? But I loved that movie so I won’t complain further.

Godzilla, however, has no such defence up its sleeve. At the end of that film they set off a nuke in San Francisco bay and a couple of hours later the miraculously unharmed populace are back out on the streets not being irradiated into a bevy of this:

willisIt wasn’t exactly like the boat had gotten very far away. It was a simple tug boat chugging along. At the least the helicopter that saved the main character should have been blasted out of the sky by the shockwave or all the next generation Kickass’s won’t need to wear green diving suits. Oh wait, hang on. So the military had time to go rescue Kickass off the boat and not open and disarm the nuke which only needed a decent crowbar to get into? Like he said, it would only take 60 seconds to disarm. That bomb went off completely unnecessarily. You even had an EOD tec on hand who just needed some smelling salts to get him back on ball. Britain must have been having a real off day when we lost the American Rebellion.

At any rate the nuke that makes Hiroshima look like a thumb-tak goes off and doesn’t affect the city because…? It’s not like they can produce a Batman defence and say that the original script explained it was a pure fusion bomb which would have a small fallout radius. That would defeat the point of using the bombs. If their plan was to lure out the radiation eating Kaiju then they were using a neutron bomb and those guys are heavy on the fallout.

"I ordered fission, not fusion!"

“I ordered fission, not fusion!”

And going back to the whole Kaiju guzzling radioactive material thing again. Why exactly isn’t Godzilla chowing down on some tasty Russian submarines? Because he’s an apex predator, that’s why. Godzilla eats other Kaiju, it’s in the definiton of a predator that they eat other organisms, so Godzilla should very definitely be munching up some crispy M.U.T.O at the end of the day. Which he does not. And even before that how has he not starved to death if all the other Kaiju are hibernating at the centre of the earth? The only explnation is that Godzilla eats radiation too but then there’s no reason for him to bugger off at the end of the film rather than seek out some tasty neutron bombs for himself.

In fact its in everyone’s interest to keep Godzilla around. By the end of the film he comes off as being a pretty nice bloke and don’t we have a problem with nuclear disarmament? The whole Kaiju problem stems from them hunting down our nukes and trashing the place on their skyscraper sized easter-egg hunt. But the only problem involved there is the fact that San Francisco is between A and B. Put all those weapons in a nice convenient place and the world’s nuclear problem goes away. Heck, I bet you could even train Godzilla to do tricks for tasty-bombs. Now imagine that at Sea World.

 

8. They’re going to make more

As awesometacular (thank you Jeremy Jahns) as Pacific Rim was it has now faded into being one of those “cult” films. Which is another way of saying that its fans are super obsessive while the box office gave one big “meh…” to the whole thing. And I understand that I am a fan-boy when it comes to Pacific Rim and it makes me sad that it will be all too long before I get to see another ROCKET PUNCH. But that was because the film satisfied a very specific rocket punching itch that is not shared by the general populace. And the general populace is woefully inadequate for that. Meanwhile Godzilla is doing great in the box office which on one level should make me happy because there’s already discussion of a series of films which are more than likely to happen.

Which would suck…

I do not want to have to write another 8 Things about Godzilla 2 because 1. will be “Why did they make another?”. Yes, there is more of a chance that with a second film we would get to see Godzilla being Godzilla but more than likely we’re going to get another human interest story that is going to be even more silly. There is no way they can get any more mileage out of Kickass’ character. The wife and son, maybe? I mean I’ve already handed them that plot on a silver platter. I should go back and delete that entry just so it doesn’t happen… Otherwise 2. will be “They nicked my idea”. Chances are they will change the humans, in which case it’ll be the same plot but with the other Olsen sister. But that just means that 3. will invariably be “It isn’t about Godzilla”, again! I have no faith in any sequel that it will actually give me any decent time with Godzilla that will instill the sort of attachment that I wanted to have with this film. Instead what will happen is that they have to introduce another Kaiju which by that point will be a rip of these guys:

can you see that? That's the best picture I could find.

Can you see that? That’s the best picture I could find.

Those are the monsters from Monsters and the most amount of screen time they ever get is when they have a cuddle. HOLY SHIT GODZILLA YOU RIPPED OFF THAT FILM ALREADY? And so we come to 4. “This film doesn’t know how to rip other films off”. Once more it will be a rehash of what has already been done which would be fine if they didn’t choose all the really boring bits. But that distracted me from the point I was actually going to make which is now 5. “The American Monsters suck”. I get the whole breach for originality by choosing a monster that Godzilla hasn’t fought before but under the circumstances if you wanted an awesome opener to your Godzilla franchise why wouldn’t you go with any of the below?

gidorahrodanbaragongabara

 

 

(I could fix this, but I’m lazy). Instead we’ll get some pathetically boring American trash that doesn’t interest us in the slightest. But that’s just endemic of the fact that 6. “If you want Godzilla – give it to the Japanese”. American’s don’t know how to do Kaiju films. Note: del Torro is Mexican so he gets excused from that comment. If you want a really awesome Godzilla film then just hand the Japanese the money and let them run wild. But that wouldn’t be ‘Merican!

The HostAdmittedly Destroyah was sent by the devil and I have excluded some of the mecha Kaiju from the above pictures becasue this version is meant to be more realistic. And I can appreciate that. The alien plot only works if you do Pacific Rim 2. So give the Japanese the money but maybe not let them run wild. But even then the alien stuff only comes out after several films in the series. But it doesn’t have to be the Japanese really. Check out The Host – no not that Morman one, the Korean one – that’s a brilliant monster movie. AND contra my earlier point it does focus on the family but, still, just watch it and understand. I mean the people in that film are meant to be dumb and there’s none of this hollywood “luck” nonsense going about. Which would be 7. “Americanism must be stopped”. American made films are too obsessed with happy endings because they’re all so fragile and delicate that any other sort of emotion might break them. Seriously, a number of films’ endings have gone down the pan because of the need for a “happy ending”. I’m going to say it now and I know at least one friend who will never speak to me again but KILL THE KID! I would sit up and pay attention if you did that.

NOTE: KILL THE DOG AND I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND THE ONLY TRACE OF YOUR EXISTENCE WILL BE WHAT PEOPLE INHALE OF YOU FROM THE AIR.

Yet, sadly, none of these warnings will be heeded and I will watch Godzilla 2 and this time I will throw my popcorn at the screen in a fit of rage. And so we come full circle to 8. “I warned you this would happen”.

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2 thoughts on “8 Things About Godzilla

  1. Pingback: 8 Things about Jurassic World | Going Spare

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