8 Things about Jurassic World

So after the diatribe that was Jurassic Park III and then the childhood soul crushing Godzilla, I was in no way keen to see Jurassic World. Just watch the first trailer, the idea of a genetically modified dinosaur isn’t so far fetched in the grand scheme of getting actual dinosaurs from mosquitos. But then right at the end you get a shot of Chris Pratt riding with raptors. Not being chased, riding! Then the second trailer came out, giving us more of Chris raptor-whispering. But then toward the end the trailer says the dinosaurs are communicating. Really, you are literally going with the dumbest part of the third – and worst – movie?

When my best friend invited me along to see the film on opening weekend I was not enthused. So little of my childhood remains untainted, take away Jurassic Park and all I’ll be left with is cynicism and… cynicism. Oh so much cynicism. But, then I went to see it and I can definitely say that the last remnants of my childhood remains somewhat intact. There’s still cynicism, but it’s a cynicism that warms the dreary remains of my English soul. That’s not to say the film is perfect – let’s not get ahead of ourselves. So here are 8 things in Jurassic World to gripe about.

Warning: There are spoilers.

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Prometheus Done Properly

So the other night Prometheus was on TV. I watched it on opening weekend way back in 2012 before I started Going Spare (unfortunately, that works on way too many levels), so I never thought to do an 8 Things About Prometheus. Though it would have been incredibly easy. But watching it on TV, I realised just how spectacularly the film failed at its original aim. For those of you who remember, Prometheus, the prequel to Alien, was billed as going to finally explain the mystery Space Jockey and why he had a ship filled with xenomorph eggs. space jockeyThe finished product, however, went nowhere near answering this question in the slightest. Instead, it threw up more questions than it did answers. This is possibly because somewhere along the lines someone (the studio) decided that they actually wanted to milk more than one film out of explaining the Space Jockey-cum-Engineer question. Or, it was simply the Damon Lindelof effect.

Thanks for ruining LOST, douchebag.

Thanks for ruining LOST, douchebag.

Nevertheless, it gave me an idea for a post on how Prometheus should have been done in order to satisfy its original premise. Warning: there are spoilers, this post assumes you have already watched the film. Continue reading

8 Things About Godzilla

Pacific Rim is one of the best movies I have ever seen. A comment which will no doubt spark internet-rage over how the plot or the acting wasn’t great or any number of things. But that wasn’t the point of the film. The point of the film was this:



You see Pacific Rim understood very clearly what it was: it was a film about giant mechs having fisticuffs with giant Kaiju. Everything around that is just filler to build up to the MOMENT when two very big things go toe-to-toe. It’s what I wanted from the film and it’s what I got. And regardless of whether you liked the film or not you cannot deny that it is thanks to Pacific Rim that poeple got interested in the Kaiju genre again. Which is awesome because that generated the impetus to do Godzilla again. Only this time it was going to be better than the 1998 American version. How could it not? All it had do was do was what Pacific Rim did but with Godzilla. How hard can it be to fuck that up? And then I saw the film…

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8 things about Oblivion

So the other night I went to see Oblivion and seeing as the internet is all about ruining things (just look at the porn industry) I thought I’d turn my sights on the latest of Cruise’s Scientology propaganda. Although if it is about Scientology then by the thetan did they hide those messages well. This is no Battlefield Earth, this is something completely different. Which might be a good thing considering that film was utter crap.

However, and I cannot overstate this enough: OBLIVION IS THE MOST CONVOLUTED FILM EVER. OF ALL TIME. The number of plot twists in this film is truly staggering and they mount up like a rickety house of cards built on another rickety house of cards built on top of an electric fan. It’s not that the film doesn’t make sense, there’s kind of a plot by the end of it. It’s just that by the time that the film has finished, its gone through so many twists and turns that you’re fairly certain that whoever wrote this thing had dementia and the only thought they managed to retain throughout the writing process was “Oh, it’s time for a plot twist”. This is a film that fails to keep up with itself.